fighting to hear

(this one may be a little heavy)
..........

One of the greatest things I learned in counseling was looking back at the/a initiating event and answering the question a critical question that helped reshape a lot.

In my own personal journey I had to thrash through
the anger
and confusion
and sadness
and fear
and disappointment
as if I were literally making my way through high weeds.
The image I have is using my arms with such force as to hopefully knock them down so they wouldn't be in my way when I walked back out. Forcing the anger to the side with my right arm then giving confusion a hard blow with my left all the while moving my legs heavily, continually, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time . . .
swish!
swish!
swish!
swish!

As I was being led through "reliving" the experience with the counselor, I was given the chance to experience the reality of emotions that had, in some respects, been holding me captive.
I'm given permission to be angry. And to express it.
I'm given permission to be disappointed. And to express it.
And with each other emotion, "Name it, Sal. Give it life, here in this safe place, so you may then allow it to breathe its last breath."
Because
emotions do not always represent truth. . .

Then,
I am asked the question, while I am in the climax of this event, the question that will help lead me out,

"Where was Jesus?"

And I pause
And I keep my eyes closed
And I search
surveying the scene
And I find Him
I see Him in the room
I see Him sitting there
right next to me
holding my hand
whispering,
"I am here."
"Do not be afraid"

the faint voice of the counselor says, "stay with Him there . . . let Him finish . . . "

and so I remain there
back in that event
that has held so much power over me
that has been a place of fear
of tears
of hopelessness
and I hear Him gently say,
"Be still"
"I am your Peace"
"I am able"

And I respond,
"What more are you whispering? And why are you whispering? Because it seems like I hear another voice louder.
I all along was hearing,
'there is no hope.'
'look at this situation, you'll never be able to move past it'
'protect yourself'
'these are the cards you were dealt'
'get used to it'

and I find myself tearfully begging,
"Why weren't you louder, Jesus? Why weren't you screaming at the top of your lungs to drown out those lies? What were you saying in that room?"

And He responds, "I was saying there is hope."
"I was saying that I already overcame this"
"I was saying I have plans for you"
"I was saying you are secure in Me"
"I was saying I am going to use this to work for your good and My Glory"
"I was saying I came so you may have life to the fullest"
"I was saying I will walk you through this and what comes next. Yes, Sal, there will be a "next", but I am the One you can depend on . . . always."


And I say, "Clearly, Lord.
I want to hear You CLEARLY.
Proclaim your Truth clearly.
Please.
Help me to wage the two voices against each other and see which is Truth. And let me grab onto it.
Hope.
You've offered hope
I choose that."

"Here I am."
"You can trust me"
"You have the choice to trust me"
"All because of Me"
"All because of what I've already done"
"I have already rescued you"
"I'll do it again"
"And again"


.............


Which voice are you hearing?

Fight to hear Jesus.
He's been there all along