Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Delight - He has given me delight. I feel like I "rounded a corner" last weekend about being a mom from doubt and discouragement to delight. Things seemed to brighten as I realized, "Hmm, I can maybe, just maybe, do this - and I may be getting the hang of it".
On Saturday of last weekend I had a really great conversation with a friend who is due with her first baby. It was real and honest and contained many of the details that were shared in the last post. It was the final motivator that spurred me on to share all that I did here.
When I was talking to my mom on the phone Monday and telling her about the conversation with my expectant friend she said to me, "I can remember after having JoBeth looking at my mom and being like, 'Why didn't you tell me it was going to be like this?' (referring to the challenges of the adjustment) And, Sal, I bet you are asking the same thing to me right now. And honestly, I didn't tell you because I forgot. Truly, I forgot what those first few weeks of being a first time mom were like. Things really do switch over that dramatically to the crazy wild love for your child that everyone talks about. The amazing bond and intimate relationship between you and your child becomes so real you cannot remember what things were like without it."
This was incredibly enlightening to me. And, just this week Taylor had lunch with his old boss who has 3 children. As Taylor told him the reality of how the adjustment to parenthood has been more challenging than we were expecting, he told Taylor the same thing - that you forget these first few weeks. That when you look back at how you were saying the scary words about your newborn, "I don't know this person" you can't even believe it because you now know this person better than you ever imagined you could know anyone.
In the first weeks of being a parent all I knew was: I don't feel towards my child what I know my parents feel towards me. But, like so many things, it takes time! It takes time to get to know this beloved child. It takes time to develop a relationship with them.
Another affirmation that IT'S OK that we went through what we went through in the early days of parenthood. We aren't crazy. We are going to be ok parents!
So, to describe the delight that has shown its face:
Over the past week I feel like my baby Daye has started to "wake up" a little more. She holds my gaze and is starting to make cooing noises that sound cheerful. She is growing and seems to be more like a little person who I can imagine will have personality. And, this is exciting.
And, I am feeling more drawn to her. When someone was holding her for a long time last week I found myself thinking, "I can't wait til I get to hold her again" and that made me delighted that I had that thought. And then I did get to hold her and I treasured it.
And I am feeling more comfortable talking to her. In the beginning I felt weird and awkward and didn't know what to say. I am taking delight in communicating with her and I am thankful. And, I feel slightly more rested (I said slightly :) because she is sleeping a little more at night - I am proud of her and that makes me delighted to think that I can be proud of my little girl and then even more delighted to think about all the many times I will tell her I am proud of her.
So, that's a little up-to-date update :)
I am SO thankful for the love and encouragement and support and prayers - you will never know.
And, now, for my little 4 week old:
"Mama, I'm cold! Don't take my picture, clothe me and wrap me in a dry blanket!"