Thursday, May 5, 2011

Heart Explosion

I've gone back and forth for the past few days on whether or not to expose the ugliness of my heart and what's existed inside it since having the opportunity to bring a new life into the world. However, the small steps I've taken to share these raw emotions with a few people, I've received affirmation that I'm normal and not alone. I also feel like I've started to round a corner and am beginning to taste the reasons these things are "worth it".
Please hear my heart: I recognize I am beyond blessed for the experience I've had - one clothed in health and care, one free of complications and I know things could be so much harder.
And that I realize every person's experience is DIFFERENT and I don't attempt to claim that this is how yours will be - but, if you do experience some of the same things, I want you to be assured that you are normal and you are not alone and it is ok!
I wrote the following 3 "entries" for 2 reasons: 1. As a cry for prayer and 2. As a healing tool for myself to "get it out" of my head onto paper and into the Hands of the One I can Trust.
So, in hopes to bring encouragement to others who may go through this in the future and to shed light on the reality of what one can go through after giving birth I choose to share the this with you.
(and a little warning that it describes some things in feminine detail)

4.12.11 - day 5
its been interesting, kind of hard to describe. still moments where its like: "i love her, i really do, but im not sure how to do this with her. i knew how to do life before without her. but now, im not sure."
thats one reason i got so emotional yesterday when tay was at work. i was thinking, "I know how to be alone when it was just me. but now with her here, im not sure what to do or how to do it. and i dont want to already be doing things alone, its too quick - i want him here to do this with me."
i just started crying out of nowhere when i all the sudden said to my mom, "i miss Tay Tay".
I called him after a little while just crying and telling him i was sad he wasn't here - not that i wanted to make him feel guilty, but just that i needed him to know that i missed him and that i really loved all of the weekend having him by my side. it felt like he was SO far away yesterday, when in reality he was able to come home within 45 minutes of me calling. he was so sad too. it was good for him to go to work but hard for him to not be here. we had experienced so much since Wednesday, and then all of the sudden, we weren't doing it together anymore.
and, this is the first time i feel like ive been able to sit down and write something. the whole time issue has just been crazy. the feeding is taking some figuring out, so, even though i only feed every 3 hours, it seems to be i start feeding at 12, then i finish at 12:45, then i either try to close my eyes, eat something, go to the bathroom myself (which takes about 15 minutes in itself) and then its time to feed her again at 3. those spare 2 hours just go by really quickly. so anyway, i think i was also feeling lonely and disconnected since i didn't have any time to check in with people.
but at the same time, we were getting a little stressed and overwhelmed with not having a break from visitors - again, so thankful for all the people who love us and want to love her, but we didn't seem to get a break to hold her ourselves or not have to talk and be "on"
a contradicting 2 paragraphs, but feeling both of those things at the same time
and, not to mention, my boobs are hard as ROCKS and HUGE and leaking all the time. i can't wear a shirt for longer than 5 minutes and it's soaked (even through the nursing bra and nursing pads) and my feminine area is still healing and leaking itself and so i think i felt out of control of my body too - lots of leaking going on.
and we're obviously exhausted- sleep at night is not really sleep
and mama just said its a strange gush of hormones that are uncontrollable and its so normal for me to just cry and have no reason to cry.
so, that's all the brutal honesty :)

having this precious baby girl is AMAZING and AWESOME and SERIOUSLY one miracle after another after another after another. i LOVE looking at her and holding her and wrapping her up and changing her diaper and feeding her and waking up for her and playing with her on our bed with tay and seeing her eyes and playing with her hair and burping her and telling her im her mama and soothing her since im her mama and seeing tay love on her and tell her her daddy's here and watching him get better at changing her diaper and swaddling her and setting me up to feed her. i love it i love it i love it.
truly, i do
its amazing
and its overwhelming
and my bond with her is growing - i would definitely say it's gradual - but its deepening and its sweet and im proud to be her mama
and after going to the Dr today it was even greater
it was a really encouraging visit - just to hear that it seems like we're doing things well and that we're going to be ok parents, that she is healthy and that she is growing and that it seems that breastfeeding is going better than they expected - that was all just really encouraging. and again, we did it as a family. and i had a new fondness of her as we were there and leaving - because she was ours and we were responsible for her and i was filling out paperwork and speaking for her and caring for her and we were the ones taking her home. it was just a good next step :)
(and it wore me out :)
so, things are brighter today
there will probably be more tears and more crazy emotions that are unexplainable
but its good
its really really good
im so blessed
thank you seriously for your patience with me and for checking in yet understanding when im unresponsive - its never out of not wanting to share, and i appreciate that you know that
i love you so much
and do look forward to when the right time comes for us to sit and talk and share more

4.20.11 - day 12
just wanting to ask for prayer :)
i feel like so much has even happened since I last emailed y'all. Great things, feeling more at ease and filled with delight as I sort of begin to figure out what life looks like now with a daughter (this morning i said to her, "do you remember you are my daughter? sometimes i forget that you are mine!").
so thankful for your prayers last week - truly, they have been heard and answered and im so thankful.
prayers that i ask for now are for me and tay
its crazy how much things can change in such a small amount of time. would you just pray that we would lean hard into the Lord as we navigate through keeping our marriage first. Knowing that is the best for His Glory, for us, and also for her. We don't really know how to do this. What does it look like? How do we train our minds and actions to make this reality? It is the desire of both our hearts to keep each other 1st, but we are feeling somewhat clueless and overwhelmed with "how".
I am mourning the way it "was" between us before she came. We were SO in tune with each other and experienced greater bonding and intimacy (on the many levels of intimacy that there are, not just sex = because sex during pregnancy is a whole other ballgame, phew!) than i imagined possible!!! it was wonderful to be as close as we were during that time! so thankful for it. and honestly, now, im feeling strange and distant and questioning how he feels about me now that she's here.
so, prayers against fear and against lies and against doubt. prayers for trust and for intentionality and for action and for peace.

4.25.11 - day 18
Thank you so much for your prayers - seriously, I've felt them today and truly been able to Praise Jesus for the power of prayer and for dear friends who pray for me. These past few days have been an answered prayer - so much better than I was expecting.
I had some baby blues this weekend. Really woke up Saturday feeling bluesy and they remained through Sunday. I had lots of tears. Lots of wild emotions and thoughts. Poor Tay, I just cried on the way home from Mauldin, finally letting some of my crazy thoughts be spoken out loud. He has been such a supportive sweetheart - I'm sure he's feeling a little uneasy at my unexplainable roller coaster of emotions since 4/7. He even reassured me yesterday that he still loved me - I'd been questioning that... I was crying because I was tired; crying because I still hadn't/haven't figured out what to call my sweet baby; because I felt/feel guilty that I don't love her as intensely as I thought I would/should; crying because I was embarrassed to even say that last sentence out loud; crying because I felt like due to that (above) I was taking something away from her; crying because I dread the night time when I know I'll have to wake up to feed her; crying because I'm not sure how I'm doing at all this; crying because I've learned in counseling how much these first few months of a child's life actually impact them forever - and it scared/scares me that since I'm struggling she may be impacted negatively; crying because I am mad I am feeling "bluesy"; crying because he's going back to work and I have to try this thing on my own; crying because i feel somewhat resentful towards her that Tay now has another girl in his life and that im not getting his undivided attention - and feeling so guilty about having that thought; and crying just because I have to cry and can't hold it in anymore; and then crying because Tay didn't have any napkins in the car for me to wipe my eyes :)
lots of crying :)
Tay and my mom were sensitively giving me pep talks reminding me that "this is normal", "remember they said a lot of people experience baby blues", "remember you read and told me that they say, 'it will pass!"
and i'm not sure if it's passed "for good", but at least for today, it subsided - and Im really thankful for that.
and honestly, I was nervous to wake up Monday, not sure how I'd do on my own, but truly, people's prayers have carried me - He has carried me - and answered your specific prayers directly, bringing me joy and peace - definitely two things I didn't expect to be able to live in.
please hear this: your prayers are POWERFUL and they changed the direction of my course
and, I've been trying to just call her a name rather than be so overwhelmed that I haven't called her anything.
Monday I was calling her Daye and I really like it :) I heard Beau say this weekend, "Sweet Baby Daye" and I loved it and I remembered that all along I was planning on calling her Daye - before she was even born. And I love the look of it and the sound of it - super sweet for a little sweet pea.
Today I'm throwing in Augusta Daye, i think thats so pretty, too . . . I guess it's a great "problem" to have - the whole thing is so beautiful it's hard to choose. we'll see:)

There is more I want to share - a follow up from what's it's been since the last entry - since now we are at 1 MONTH old! But, this post has already been long enough and you may not even be reading anymore - so, an up-to-date update will come soon.
And, how can I make a post without a picture - I'm pretty positive it's what entices you all here anyway :) and I'm ok with that!

bathtime buddy

bedtime burrito


  1. I just want to hug you so hard (except I won't cause your boobs hurt.) Your honesty is incredible and you are so far from alone in every thought you've had and every tear you've shed. Your whole world has to get rearranged to be a momma, and it's like a emotional, physical, mental hurricane, and you are doing an amazing job. Some days are easy, but really most days you just have to take one hour at a time. I'll be praying for you to feels God's grace anew every 60 minutes!

  2. Thank you so much for being honest. So many are not, then when we each go through this in our own season and in our own way, we feel more alone than ever. It's so very healthy to both hear and experience the reality of having a child - not just the "book smarts" or "idea" of having one. Thank you and of course, praying for your new little fam.